noelle_winters (noelle_winters) wrote in theschizoid,

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Christmas, family, and the like.

I think I can honestly say, holidays annoy me at best, and make me sad at worst.

Mostly because they really highlight what is wrong with me.  Well, that is an understatement, it just shows that everyone would, really, be better off with me gone.

I'm married to an Italian man, and that really emphasizes just how much I am truly messed up, since he is so into the family thing.  Well, his whole family is.

Sometimes I wonder...what is it like to want to be with your family?  What is it like to want to see them?  To be happy to merely be in their presence, or to be sad when you have to leave?  For a while, I just believed it was all an act.  I didn't really believe that anyone truly loved anyone, no one really wants to get together and cram into a room and rip open presents that you could have just bought for yourself...except you spent that money on something that someone may or may not like.

I mean, isn't an exchange of gifts really pointless?  I mean, you waste your money on something that they may not like, so that they will waste their money on something that they may not like?  Isn't it just a better gift just to say "hey, go buy yourself something you want, spend whatever you feel fits your budget, and I shall do the same."  That way, everybody is happy, if happiness even exists.  Which I don't think that does either.  But I digress, that is not what this post is about.

I guess my point is, I really can't feel happy about the holidays or seeing anyone.  I think that may make me a bad person.  I used to think that when they smile at you and say "I am so happy you are here," it was just an act.  Something we are supposed to say because it's appropriate to say it.

Then I come to the realization...its just me.  It may very well be only me that believes that. 

Which means, there's all these family and friends out there, tripping over themselves to say hello to me, to make me happy, to give me gifts in hope that it brings me happiness and makes me feel like they care.

Except I don't.  I can't.  All I can do is smile and say the words that will hopefully deceive them into believing that I am genuinely happy to see them as well, when all I want to do is just get in my car and drive back home and sit on my computer to write or go jogging by myself.

So, I can't feel happy.  All I feel is guilt...guilt that people are inconveniencing themselves for someone who, no matter how hard they try, just can't give a damn.  I genuinely can say, I wish I loved them.  But no matter how hard I try, I just can't remember how to do it, if I was ever capable to begin with.  Supposedly everyone was, and then our father or mother didn't hug us enough so we lost the ability.  At least that's what the psychology books say.

So I am sitting here, left wondering if the only reason I am still breathing, still even attempting to hold onto societal contacts, is the fact that I really am just either too selfish or cowardly to just end my life.  Though I suppose them having to make funeral arrangements would be just as inconveniencing as having to deal with someone who really is just ungrateful for your presence.

How do you get past that guilt?
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I've wondered about that too, whether I was the only one not caring whether I saw someone, had someone in my life, or whether others fake it too. I've actually wondered this more about friends than family, as I never seem to feel truly close to a friend. With my family, I want to see my immediate family for comfort, for not having to put on an act or pretend I want to see them, and I have a mix of emotions about whether I do or not, but I feel I can actually express them more with them. With extended family, I used to get all nervous about seeing them, but at some point I decided just to be me, just to try to relax and enjoy it for what it is, not get so worked up about how I'll come across or what they expect of me, and now I can actually look forward to or just be okay with such gatherings. With friends, I still struggle. It's a lot more often nowadays that I will genuinely want to hang out with people, but I still get in moods that I just don't want to for no real "reason", and I never feel like I get truly close to any certain person. Significant other is another story entirely- I just suck at that, so I've never had one.