Do you think I have a schizoid personality?

I am married, and my husband and I have recently found a friend. I tend to forget how I am until reminded. I am great at being superficially friendly, but when it comes to actually trying to be friends with somebody it's like there is a block there. I have learned to cope with being around people; though, I still get panicky when in a new place that is crowded. I have come a long ways since childhood. I remember in elementary school the other kids would try to talk to me and I would stare at them and say nothing. This was on purpose. It wasn't because I was being shy or like the mental block I seem to have developed. Since being with my husband, I have become a lot better about allowing people to touch me and talking to them. My husband doesn't think I have schizoid. He says what I have is more like post traumatic stress disorder because I am very loving and I long for love and affection, but those things haven't come easy for me. By his theory, I have been hurt so often by friends and family that I can't help but panic when put into any situation where I may become close to another person. Getting close to my husband wasn't easy. For the first 3 years I would push him away. For some reason he stayed with me, and had a way of getting my feelings out of me. It has helped a lot and I have healed a lot. I am still trying to figure out why I want a friend so badly, but am more comfortable being around nobody but my husband. I have other mental disorders. I am bipolar and have a lot of self worth issues. These self worth issues usually help fuel my wanting to be alone and also cause urges to harm myself. I wonder if that is all that is wrong; a severe case of depression with low self worth or is it another problem its self. Anyways, some input would be wonderful.

Christmas, family, and the like.

I think I can honestly say, holidays annoy me at best, and make me sad at worst.

Mostly because they really highlight what is wrong with me.  Well, that is an understatement, it just shows that everyone would, really, be better off with me gone.

I'm married to an Italian man, and that really emphasizes just how much I am truly messed up, since he is so into the family thing.  Well, his whole family is.

Sometimes I wonder...what is it like to want to be with your family?  What is it like to want to see them?  To be happy to merely be in their presence, or to be sad when you have to leave?  For a while, I just believed it was all an act.  I didn't really believe that anyone truly loved anyone, no one really wants to get together and cram into a room and rip open presents that you could have just bought for yourself...except you spent that money on something that someone may or may not like.

I mean, isn't an exchange of gifts really pointless?  I mean, you waste your money on something that they may not like, so that they will waste their money on something that they may not like?  Isn't it just a better gift just to say "hey, go buy yourself something you want, spend whatever you feel fits your budget, and I shall do the same."  That way, everybody is happy, if happiness even exists.  Which I don't think that does either.  But I digress, that is not what this post is about.

I guess my point is, I really can't feel happy about the holidays or seeing anyone.  I think that may make me a bad person.  I used to think that when they smile at you and say "I am so happy you are here," it was just an act.  Something we are supposed to say because it's appropriate to say it.

Then I come to the realization...its just me.  It may very well be only me that believes that. 

Which means, there's all these family and friends out there, tripping over themselves to say hello to me, to make me happy, to give me gifts in hope that it brings me happiness and makes me feel like they care.

Except I don't.  I can't.  All I can do is smile and say the words that will hopefully deceive them into believing that I am genuinely happy to see them as well, when all I want to do is just get in my car and drive back home and sit on my computer to write or go jogging by myself.

So, I can't feel happy.  All I feel is guilt...guilt that people are inconveniencing themselves for someone who, no matter how hard they try, just can't give a damn.  I genuinely can say, I wish I loved them.  But no matter how hard I try, I just can't remember how to do it, if I was ever capable to begin with.  Supposedly everyone was, and then our father or mother didn't hug us enough so we lost the ability.  At least that's what the psychology books say.

So I am sitting here, left wondering if the only reason I am still breathing, still even attempting to hold onto societal contacts, is the fact that I really am just either too selfish or cowardly to just end my life.  Though I suppose them having to make funeral arrangements would be just as inconveniencing as having to deal with someone who really is just ungrateful for your presence.

How do you get past that guilt?
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set in.

Motivation For The Schizoid?

My mind is racing and I have to take a placement test to get into college today..
I'm fighting myself more and more against going
and the more my boyfriend brings it up.. the more I do not want to go..
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I have a therapist and I am indifferent about her.
She is a nice lady, but I generally can not connect to her.
And all the advice she gives me on quelling my anxiety,
or just ANY advice in general, bores me,
I have been interested in psychology since I was very young,
and constantly read about personality disorders, etc.

My question is:
What do you suggest to a Schizoid
to stop their racing thoughts/feelings of paranoia and anxiety,
and motivate them to do what needs to be done?
Personally, what do you find to be effective?
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SPD vs. subcultures

Have you guys ever wondered if subcultures might be formed mainly by people possessing certain traits of character?

Before I understood I was a schizoid to some degree, I found myself thinking about joining the local goth/rivethead community. That never happened, firstly because I was not socially active enough and secondly because there is no proper goth/rivethead community in where I live.

So, what do you think, was the goth subculture (supposing it exists) built by schizoids (supposing they can build anything)?

New member

Hey everyone. I'm new to the community, and I wonder how I went so long without having read anything about this disorder. I don't necessarily identify with it, well, I do, but I have no experience with it so I can't say that with any certainty. I've never been tested for anything myself, but I am the oldest of my brothers and my next youngest brother has autism, so they've been keeping an eye on the rest of them. I definitely don't feel normal, but I've never been able to exactly identify what was going on with me. Asperger's seems the most logical conclusion, but I'm less socially inept and more socially apathetic and avoidant.
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