onlyhopeisleft (onlyhopeisleft) wrote in theschizoid,

Do you think I have a schizoid personality?

I am married, and my husband and I have recently found a friend. I tend to forget how I am until reminded. I am great at being superficially friendly, but when it comes to actually trying to be friends with somebody it's like there is a block there. I have learned to cope with being around people; though, I still get panicky when in a new place that is crowded. I have come a long ways since childhood. I remember in elementary school the other kids would try to talk to me and I would stare at them and say nothing. This was on purpose. It wasn't because I was being shy or like the mental block I seem to have developed. Since being with my husband, I have become a lot better about allowing people to touch me and talking to them. My husband doesn't think I have schizoid. He says what I have is more like post traumatic stress disorder because I am very loving and I long for love and affection, but those things haven't come easy for me. By his theory, I have been hurt so often by friends and family that I can't help but panic when put into any situation where I may become close to another person. Getting close to my husband wasn't easy. For the first 3 years I would push him away. For some reason he stayed with me, and had a way of getting my feelings out of me. It has helped a lot and I have healed a lot. I am still trying to figure out why I want a friend so badly, but am more comfortable being around nobody but my husband. I have other mental disorders. I am bipolar and have a lot of self worth issues. These self worth issues usually help fuel my wanting to be alone and also cause urges to harm myself. I wonder if that is all that is wrong; a severe case of depression with low self worth or is it another problem its self. Anyways, some input would be wonderful.
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