Jacquzy (jacquzy) wrote in theschizoid,

Please help - what is wrong with me?

Last winter I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and put on Fluoxetine. My doctor also arranged for me to see a counsellor. I don't really know how to describe what this post is about, and what I am asking, but I'll give it a go.

1. From the very first meeting, I loathed my counsellor. I never told her this - even though she said if I didn't get on with her, I could change to another counsellor. I felt like she was making judgments of me, and pushing me...I am pretty sure she hates me. As a result, I have stopped going to my sessions (which I think have ended now.) I used to skip sessions, then feel bad and call her to apologise but now I've stopped calling. I don't care anymore.

2. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was given some information about my condition to read. I noticed that one of the symptoms was avoiding people, and feeling anger for no clear reason. I identified with this, as I have always preffered my own company to the company of others, and am rather prone to outbursts of anger at odd times...often, I find my emotions don't really "fit" the situation I am in.

3. On the subject of avoiding people...I have always made excuses to avoid meeting up with "friends," but recently I have found myself doing it more and more often, to the point where I ignore calls, texts, emails, and so on. I also lie, making up elaborate excuses to avoid seeing people.

4. I hate my friends. This statement may seem a little odd, but it's true. I cannot stand being around them any more. They have done nothing wrong, when I stop to think about it, but every time I think of them, I am filled with a crazy kind of anger and loathing, and I sometimes even want to hurt them.

5. I cannot enjoy anything anymore, excpet for when I'm alone. Yeah; this one kind of speaks for itself, but let me give you an example: I went on holiday with five friends recently, after finishing our A-Levels (I'm from England.) It should have been wonderful, but all I felt that week, and now, when thinking back to it, is a kind of emptiness slash hatred.

6. The strange thing is, I don't care about being alone and a cold person I'm not happy - but I like being alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy - in the past (and recently) I have heard things or seen things which people tell me aren't really there. I should probably be telling a doctor all this, but I know they won't believe me. Plus, it'd kill my mother if she knew I was any weirder than she already knows I am. She cried all night when I was first diagnosed.

I was reading today about schizotypal and schizoid disorders, and I noticed I have several things in common with sufferers; plus I have always had a wild and very productive imagination and am definately a "loner," plus I have engaged in self-harm before, although I've never told anybody this, not even the doctor.

To be honest I'm not bothered about being schizoid (if I am), I love being alone, but I think the depression is messing my other feelings up and making me feel like shit.

I hope someone can offer some suggestions or something...thanks.
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